A guy makes body like Salman Khan. Still not able to get a girlfriend.

In a not so shocking incident Bipin (Name changed from Vipin) alias builder an IT employee was telling me his not so disturbing story. I mean this is ridiculous. WTF is the problem with girls. I mean what else should I do to get a girlfriend? Bipin was asking with tears in his eyes and lemon candy in his mouth.  Yesterday was my birthday and not a single woman called me to wish me Happy Birthday, not even my mom. All my friends together gifted me 40 year old virgin DVD on my birthday.  I was so upset. Actually I was very fat entire my life and I used to think that fat is new sexy in this modern times.  I used to think that girls also like my personality as they used to call me my teddy, my gushy mushy, my pillow every time. But then whenever I used to ask them out for date they used to just say “Awwww ….” and leave. 

I remember there was one girl in our collage who used to care for me a lot. Every day she used to give me all her remaining lunch box that she never used to finish. I though she accepted me in her group as all her other friends also used to give me all their unfinished lunch boxes and I used to finish them all to reciprocate my love to them.  So one fine day I decided to show some guts to ask her out to be my girlfriend. I don’t know what happened ,she just said “ewww look at you….” And she left. After that day we never talked again. After a month or so I found out that she decided to get married to one of the Facebook photographer she never met in her life. I can't even tell you how depress I was to know my baby doll is getting married to that midget photographer. I was so upset that day  that I finished whole 2kg chocolate cake in one sitting that night. Then I saw one advertisement on TV about being healthy and fit and how girls go crazy when they see muscles.  So I decided to give it a try. That’s why for last one year I am working out like crazy, days and night. I am not even eating my favorite banana pudding and very vanilla ice-cream in the nights. Now I can see changes in my body but not in these girls’ attitude.  I even posted my before/ after pictures on Facebook. But not even a single like from any girl. Only people who are commenting and liking my post are my other fat friends. They are laughing and making fun of me now that I can’t even go with them to eat samosa and kachori. Some of them have stopped talking to me as they think that I am a misfit in their group and it’s below their dignity to talk to a person like me. I mean I am losing my own identity after this whole gym and health conscious thing. This is bullshit. All my other bald, hairy, midget friends have girlfriends then why not me?  asks Bipin. He is now even thinking of getting a sex change so that he can feel for himself (not literally). 

Dealing with breakup.....

I think I will dedicate this blog to all my friends who have went through one sided or imaginary two sided break ups. Breaking up, getting dumped is a normal phenomenon which you will face at least once in your lifetime either for real or imaginary. If not please go to doctor and check your sexual orientation. First of all guys don’t know shit about relationship or love. How can you think that you can know about relationship and woman by reading woman’s magazine such as “Gruhashobhika” or “MAXIM” in a saloon while waiting for your number? How can you tell about girl’s nature by reading Bejan Daruwala’s yearly sun sign predictions? The problem with guys is strange. They can fall for any girl. It may be Aishwraya or Lalita Pawar they care shit. What they want is opposite sex to hang around with. I have seen one of my friend falling for a girl who later in her maturity developed a mustache. And the reasons they give why they like this girl are more fucked up. Some are as follows:

Reason no 1: She may not be good looking but she is intelligent.
Who told you that listening to Pink Floyd and reading Paulo Coelho, Sydney Sheldon makes girl intelligent. For your kind information 99% of the world women read this crap all the time. You should know how to judge her intelligence when she buys harry potter standing in a queue for 6 hours.

Reason 2: Our wave length match:
Do you have an antenna? What do you mean by our wave length match? One of my friends told me that we both like “Cutting Chai” and “Anda Bhurji”. Dude this tells me that you both are cheap or on on serious cost cutting and in that sense I can say that you both have a matching wave length.

Reason 3: Opposite Pole attracts:
For an average looking guy like you with acne problem and having some extra pounds it makes sense as girl is always looking for 1 driver who can drive her to malls and exhibitions and give her free food.

Reason 4: She is cute:
Giggling and laughing in between the movie or jumping signals while driving is not cuteness it’s called stupidity you know that? What kind of cuteness is this when she spills food all over the table while eating in a restaurant? Do it in your home and you will be slapped by your mother like Harbhajan slapped Srisanth. And what’s with oversize sunglasses? I don’t think they serve any practical purpose. If you are stupid enough to look directly at the sun, then you deserve to be blinded. And don’t fall for her by seeing her group picture. Don’t judge her beauty by comparing her with her friends. Girls know very well that if they want to look beautiful and cute they have to rome around with ugly, fat bitches. They use their friend’s kind of side actors. Dude and if wearing a short skirt over legging is a definition of cuteness then were underwear over your jeans.

In my case I fell in love when I was in 7th standard. This was the first time when I got this heavenly feeling of “LOVE”.I used to tell my friends “Aree yaar who ladki mere se bahut baat karti hai, she is very kind n all”. But the problem was that girl used to talk to me only during exam time. She used to sit in front of me during exam. Then after 7th standard she joined some another school and one of my friend from that school told me that she is now in exam relationship with some another guy and this was my first breakup. I was so depressed at that time that I used to drink 1 liter of coke every day and used to listen Himesh Reshmiya all the time to get out of my depression.

Here are few things that happen after the breakup:

Over exaggerate your breakup: After a breakup guy usually wants to tell all the word that yeee I can also have a break up. So they will try to be depressed in front of everyone so that they can advertise their breakup. Usually every guy after breakup try to compete with Devdas so he drinks at least one pack of cigarette or half bottle of whisky in one shot so that you can give your breakup a Yash Chopra touch. Usually after breakup guys try to be as ugly as possible. Best way to do that is not to take a bath or brush your teeth at least 7 days. Also try not to cut your hair or shave your beard for at least one month so that you can make it more filmy.

Delete Orkut profile: Next step in breakup is to delete Orkut or Facebook profile. After breakup guys suddenly stop Orkuting or Facebooking and waits for girl response. When guys see that girl is still enjoying her day to day Orkut activities such as changing her Orkut status as “I am what I am, Love me or leave me” or joining communities such as “I love shah rukh khan” or “My name starts with D” guys usually get pissed off and reacts by deleting her from his friends list.

Songs: Songs like “Dukhi man mere- Kishor Kumar”, “Kaise Bataye- Atif aslam” etc plays a vital role to keep your somberness alive. Keep listening to the songs is best way to keep your bruise wet.

Friends and there advice: First of all why you think that all your friends are interested in your “Ajab prem ki gajab kahani”. Don’t you know that they are the ones who are ready to take a hit on your girl after you are done? And they are not at all interested in Photoshop pictures of you and your so called girlfriend. If they are good friends they will listen to you 2-3 times but after that they will also tell you to piss off. And what’s with keeping her picture in your wallet and cell phone? Ohh got it. You want to show the picture of the person because of which you are running out of your money and minutes. And don’t ask such stupid questions such as why “Aaj iski itni yaad kyo aa rahi hai” while you are drunk? You know the answer: Because you are a big time “looser”. You are walking pile of shit. How can you think that girl will fall for a jobless guy like you who wares formal shirt on six pockets or who ware toilet sleepers on Levis Jeans with 150 rupees china made goggle? And please don’t try to ring call center pretending to be calling to your girlfriend or pretend to be talking to your girl while your cell phone is switch off.

Join guitar class or gym: What’s with joining guitar class or gym after your breakup. By uploading picture of yours with guitar in your hand doesn’t mean that you are a John Mayer and girls will stand in a queue to sleep with you. Dude and you should know that muscular men have IQs in decimal. Just tell me one man in history of mankind who was a bodybuilder with exceptional talent.

In the end I can say that you get what you deserve. And being ugly, poor and stupid is as good as playing for Indian Hockey Team. So my frank advice to this kind of guys is to commit suicide. It’s nothing wrong in that. What you are going to do with your uneventful and purposeless life. It’s better to leave the world and take the burden off the heads from your parents. And if not join "Shree Ram Sena" and beat the shit out of the bitch.......

Few things Desi do after coming to US….

Here are few things desi do after coming to US….
1) Try to find roommate who has a car so that it will be useful for them to go to Wal-Mart:
Wal-Mart is the biggest concern for any desi after coming to US. Usually they find everything fu&^% expensive when they first come here. So they try to stay as many days as possible at senior’s place where they can have free food and shelter. Seniors are also very helpful for first few days keeping ISA elections in mind. After that roommate search gets begin. Usually they prefer roommates in following order: who have a car->from same cast -> From same community -> From same region-> who cooks good food-> At least who is not ugly looking.

2) Try to find some cheapest place to live around the campus: This place may be anything from 2 bhk home to single toilet. They don’t mind staying at any place as long as it’s cheap, convenient. Usually they try to find American neighbors as they think that they are cool to live with but usually end up having desi, as Americans get pissed off because of the smell of the curry and Dal.

3) Try to be friend with professor and adviser: As by doing so they think that they can get a good grade and will be helpful to get instate in future

4) Join Facebook and dump Orkut: They usually join Facebook mostly because of the TRP rating and because of the senior’s feedback about how you can get a white girl very easily compared to Orkut.

5) Click picture with a white American: By doing so they can show their friends in India that how they are enjoying in US and how they are socially absorb. Usually desi guys try to be friends with some American girl at least for the picture sake so that by uploading that picture they can show to their friends that “US jake bahut ladki pata raha hai” kind of stuff. Usually on average 1 desi will have 0-5 American friends where number 0-2 is a median and number 5 is an outlier. Americans mostly do friendship with desi mainly because of the following reasons:
1. It looks cool to have friend from different country.
2. He/she may be student of sociology.
3. He/She may be a student of Human Recourse who thinks that cultural diversification is important for company’s performance.
4. He/she who have misinterpreted Indians as Red Indians
5. He/she who thinks that by roaming with Indians, he/she will get an opportunity to help hungry and poor people and by doing so he/she will clear the points off the license.

6) Try to participate in ISA politics so that it can be helpful in there resume building: If some unknown desi sends you an invitation on Facebook asking how you are doing and if you need any help, you can guess that this m&^%$$#@&^r will be contesting next ISA election. But beware if you don’t vote for him he will be the one how will kick you out of his Facebook profile and badmouth about you to everyone. Usually ISA will try to celebrate every f*&^g Indian festival to show how true Indian they are. Usually on movie night they will show movies like “Swadesh”, “Tiranga” or “Jai Mata di” etc to make you senti so that you will think of going back to India after your graduation and by doing so they will have less competition for their job search.

7) Try to find off campus jobs: Here also competition is very high. It depends on where you are searching for a job. Guajarati will only give preference to Guajarati and Telgu to other Telgu. If you are from minority states such as MP, Rajasthan, UP or Bihar chances of getting off campus is very rare unless any Gujrathi or Telgu guy refers you. But as they treat this job as their full time job chances are very bleak.

8) Try to find GA and RA Jobs: For guys these types of jobs are really hard to get as compared to girls unless you are a gay as girls know very well how to handle guys emotionally. If you are emotionally strong you may end up being outcast.

9) Try to find desi girl: After seeing that prospects of getting laid with white girls is as negligible as India qualifying for soccer world cup, desi guys usually turn their attention to desi girls. But as because of the 90:100 girls to boys’ ratio here also competition is very high. You will usually find girls either committed or engaged unless you have a car and prospects of you getting H1 sponsor jobs are high. But you can get a very good girl in India as you are a NRI now and every girl in India thinks that this is a good opportunity for them to come here to US for free.

10) After graduation: After two years your university will kick your ass and will throw you out of the college as graduate. After that you will get to know that chances of getting job are same as Karun Chandhok winning formula 1. So usually you have to go back for good. But don’t worry, you can earn some respect in Indian society by saying “I am here to take part in Indian Revolution and other crap” and working in some MNC as manager.


After being all said if you have your fathers black money to blow, this is the right place you are in. You can’t go wrong in a country which has invented Ruby Tequila, Las Vegas and Playboy magazine. But if you are from middle class family considering coming here without scholarship you have more balls than ad gel factory.

P.S: Don’t try to bring 42” LCD or 10 liter Microwave when going back to India. Your parents will slap you on your face.

Open Letter To PETA India on "Save the Tigers"...

To PETA India,

Please stop sending me invitations such as “Save Tigers”. I am not an animal lover first off all. Don’t you see that my orkut status “I like them at zoo”? Are you supporter of LTTE or Prabhakaran? Just tell me frankly. And as I am true Indian, I only care for cows, monkeys, dogs, snakes, rats and all the other ugly animals who our gods like to ride. And by the way how it will help me to change my life? I am going to still suck at my grades, still going to play beer pong every Saturday and Sunday and get wasted, my roommates still going to suck at making food and Belgaum will still be in Karnataka too. So what’s the point? And why you want to save mo$%#@^&*%ing tigers? Don’t you like walking in the forest without fear? These m*&^%$$%&^#s made life miserable for so many years for so many animals. What about saving those animals? For years they were killing innocent humans but none of them went around saying “Save Humans”. And don’t you know the saying “Survival of the fittest”?

Now look at the losers now just 1411 left. And as now they are low in numbers, they want our help? F%$# them. Frankly, if they were not flesh eaters I would tell them to kiss my a%$. I think we should just finish them off so that DLF or SAHARA can develop this land and can sponsor Indian Cricket Team. Now don’t give me a crap like what about ecosystem balance and all. First of all you are the one who are losing balance by telling all our actors to shed their cloths for this ignoble purpose. Just tell me how will it help you to save this tigers if Sharlyn Chopra or Celina Jaitley goes naked? Are you out of your mind? These kinds of shit only help us in the night and not more than that. Trust me on that. So please don’t send me this kind of emails again for the god sake. Just leave me alone. You can ask Uddhav Thakray about this “Saving Tiger” Shit. It may sound reasonable to him or you may ask Menaka Gandhi as she is trying to save every stray animal possible but not me.

In the end I can only say that “I Love Animals. They're Delicious”